Back to the Basics in 2013 - at Least for Us

With the recent release of the 2013 Pantone color, I started thinking about a blog posting I read a few months ago. 

I was just testing the waters of the whole wedding planning process and was pretty much reading everything I could call up in Google search.   It was during one of these random searches that I found a blog that touched upon a few trends the blogger or possibly even the wedding industry expected to see thrive in 2013.

One of the trends was shifting the focus back onto the guests, where (according to the blogger) that is exactly where it should be.  When I read it, I kind of blew off this tidbit of information -- and that is why I am unable to provide the link to the content.

Fast-forward a few months and several blogs and books read later, I totally disagree with that blogger and I feel that couples want something that is true to them, reflects their personality and is a bit more low-key.

When planning a wedding, I think it is important to take into consideration other people's feelings or sacrifices (such as travel or having to hike three miles to the ceremony site). It's important to honor guests, family traditions and the values of the immediate family while orchestrating the wedding you want.  

Call me selfish or "one of those brides", but I don't think etiquette extends to shifting the focus of a person's wedding day to the people attending. This is a shared moment between a loving couple who wants to share it with their closest friends and families. Its about two people starting the best chapter of their lives. 

I think there are many people in 2013 are looking for a way to minimize the stylized weddings and shift the focus back to the three keys: the partner, the outfit and the preacher.  I think the couples of 2013, or at least one, are looking for simplistic ideas that focus on them and not the details.  I think people want something a bit less coordinated and a little bit more laid back. 
Perhaps it is where I am in life.  I have seen four of my friends marry in the past year, and we are all in our 30s and looking for a simplistic way to say "I Do."  They have their own lives, many residing in different states from their families (I'm not even in the same country), which kind of diminishes the need to have an epic bash where we feel the need to invite co-workers or neighbors of our parents.  

And, to be quite frank, it has been a while since I have done the all night dancing blow outs. We have a different lifestyle and would prefer just hanging out around the fireside.

Contrary to what the wedding industry has told you, your wedding will not be your guests' first rodeo.  They know how to roll with the punches and expect nothing more than to spend the day with you.  

Perhaps I'm just dreaming about people's reactions to my wedding -- but I don't think we have to over-spend to make our wedding look good -- our emotions and the connections we have with our guests will make that happen.

The Awkward In-Between Phase of Wedding Planning

I have ran into a creative wall with wedding planning. At first, I thought it was the holiday crush putting a stall on any nuptial progression.  Then, I just thought that maybe I missed the whole "bridey" stress thing and was coasting towards altar bliss without the stress.  This, however, was not true.

My wedding stage status became blatantly obvious to me after a trip to my neighborhood arts and crafts superstore.  In reality, I had no reason to be there. I had piles of multiple colors and textures of card stock that are waiting to be transformed into beautiful DIY rosettes or cut into intricate shapes for the banners.  I had football field lengths of fabric that need to be cut and stitched into wonderful homemade runners for the round tables at the reception.

In short, I was past the the "oh and awe" point of discovering what our wedding could be, deciding what we wanted  and was ready to put it into action; but the date was a bit too far out to start.  I was browsing the craft store because that was all I could do at this point.

There's a lovely insert in the "A Practical Wedding" book by Meg Keene written by Kayce Hazelgrove regarding the states of wedding planning.

These states include:

1) Euphoria: Squeeee!
2) Discovery: "Oh, Pretty!"
3) Panic: "How the hell?"
4) Depression: "What the eff? Eff me!"
5) Rebellion: "Eff it!"
6) Zen: "It is what it is."

I think that there is a phase missing.  I'm going to call it the "2.6: Awkward In-Between Let's Get It Started in Here Already" stage - for that's exactly what it is. 

Between "Discovery" and "Panic" is a period of time when your hands are both tied and idol.You are probably reading wedding blogs, surfing the net for ideas and writing down ideas that broadside you while standing in line for the bus.  You are scribbling to-do notes and adding to your list of DIY projects.  However, it is a time period when you are too far ahead of your wedding to actually make any headway on those lists.  This stage is too far out to finalize and print the invites, design the program or even working on outfits (especially during the holidays/winter hibernation weight gain).

You're excited. You want to do something. But, at this point, there is nothing to do. So, you slip into the usual routine of work, shopping, date nights, book club meetings and, possibly, the gym.  Oh, you still check in on your favorite blogs, but it dips down to about once a week.  There may even be a couple weeks that you forget to even visit the wedding sites.

It is this relax in the creative sparks and the motivation that may contribute directly to Stage 3.  It is the "in-between stage" that allows us to relax our guard  and allow some of the deadlines or agendas to slip by with only the passing thought of "we still have time."

Then it happens. One morning you wake up around 2:23 a.m. with your heart racing, a weird spasm in the middle of your back and the odd feeling to just need to have throw a good old fashioned tantrum. All those to-do items that were simmering on the back burner during the 2.6 phase come to a boil in a frightening sense of urgency; each one carrying an immediate due date.

The thought of invites flutters across your mind but the custom envelopes with the cute butterflies haven't been ordered. The custom dress a seamstress on Etsy is making you hasn't even been started because you didn't want to send her the measurements that included the seven extra pounds from spending the holidays with two families this year. 

In short, you are knee-deep in Stage 3 or in full-balls-out Panic mode.

For me, the Awkward In-Between stage hit right around the holidays when my extra time was filled with holiday shopping, planning trips back to the States and block-printing custom Christmas cards.  Oh, I was making progress on the holiday events but that whole wedding thing was swept under the Christmas tree skirt.

Luckily, my trip to the craft store brought the whole wedding planning process to the foreground before Stage 3 kicked in with a vengeance.  I realized that while it was too early for most of my to-do items, like the invites for I still needed to have a meeting with the caterer, I could make small progress on some of the less time sensitive to-do items on my DIY list.

After I got the holiday cards made, filled out and in the out-going box, I made a "wedding planning planner".  This was nothing more than a resolution or commitment to do at least one thing a week. Whether it was stitching a few of the runners or researching how to make fabric flowers for the bouquet.

It is a matter of setting small priorities before everything became a priority.When you find yourself in the 2.6 stage, take a look at your to-do list.  Figure out your priorities (what you want for the wedding) and what of those can be done ahead of time.  Consider the items that aren't on your "have to have" list and maybe use this time to knock some of them out -- this will avoid the "Eff It" stage when these items get cut due to time or costs.

Also, the 2.6 stage is an excellent time to exercise a bit of creative brainstorming.  So, you want a burlap banner but what if you could make one using some of your favorite old t-shirts? Or black and white pictures of you and your beau?  Use this time to think out of the box and develop a game plan for your new ideas. 

In short, don't let this lull before the storm contribute to the wedding frenzy but as a time to prepare for it.

The Slope Into Marriage

Getting hitched, tying the knot or taking the plunge is no longer the biggest step towards a united life with your significant other.  It is no longer a cannonball dive into the deep end of marriage that it once was; but rather a gentle slope in the winding road of relationships. 

I was watching an episode from the second season of “Bridezilla” (don’t judge) that highlighted my views on this incline.  One of the brides, Noelle, was saying that the groom-to-be and her had picked the date and location before the question was formally posed.  It was more of a discussion of their future together rather than a complete change of their circumstances. 

My fiancé and I had a similar and yet different situation.  The two of us were friends that discovered we had more than just “let’s grab a beer” thoughts about one another.   One night, the guy I classified as a friend who I really liked broke the news to me that he was thinking about leaving Portland, Oregon to pursue a career in Vancouver, Canada.  While not a world away, I could only think about how empty my world would be without him.  

When he asked me what I thought, I was torn between being the supportive friend and letting someone who was more important to me than I care to admit to even myself know that it was killing me to see him go.  No one was more surprised than I was when the latter came out of my mouth.  It was then that he told me that I was under the wrong impression – he wanted me to go with him.

My choice to pack up my belongings, move in with him and relocate to a foreign country was probably the biggest defining moment in our relationship.  From there, we have been on a steady course to the altar and a life together with milestones to indicate how far we’ve traveled and the direction we are heading.  

While I know that there are couples who don’t move in with the significant other until after the big day or perhaps have a slightly smoother ride, I think the relationship map is changing.  It is something that shifts for the parties involved. It is a “Choose Your Own Adventure” to the altar that can be more traditional, but more often than not opens the door to a unique course for those involved.

Over a year later,  the two of us are preparing for the next milestone which includes a trip to the altar but it doesn’t feel scary or even like we are taking the plunge into something unknown. For me, it feels like another highpoint on a very scenic road trip with a very close friend.