When we sat down with our dear friend and officiant of our upcoming wedding, Lisa Morrison, she mentioned that we should consider writing our own vows. I remember at the time thinking that was an excellent idea. I didn't realize what we were actually signing ourselves up for or what it would actually take to accomplish this task.
And we aren't alone. According to one post on Wedding Wire, an officiant said "100% of couples tell me they are
writing their own vows. Less than 3% actually do. Out of those one froze
and could not speak, one was very nice and the last was a story that
went on and on and on."
A couple of our friends tied-the-knot in a beautiful ceremony last December. About a month after the event, we asked them about their vows. The newlywedded bride said that they had written their own vows, but she "chickened out the day before and we just went with what the officiant said."
Writing your own vows is a daunting thing. It opens your relationship to everyone in attendance and shines a spotlight onto a very personal aspect of your relationship -- your love for your partner. It's a part that people, up until this moment, have only glimpsed in a glance the two of you shared or maybe the way you hold hands while watching the news.
Mike and I are introverts who shy away from taking center stage and the idea of opening our relationship up to our parents, cousins and friends from work puts a nice anxiety knot in my stomach.
However, after reading forum posts, blogs, websites and books dedicated to the touchy subject of vows, I think we should write our own vows. Here's why:
1) The age of technology has given us the opportunity to share, copy and
paste and interact about something that, in my opinion, is very
personal. I saw so many posts where someone wrote "I like that. I'm
going to use it." Use someone else's words? I don't think I would feel comfortable using someone else's words or expressions or phrasing. It's going to mean more to me to use my own words.
2) It comes down to what I think would make me "feel married". At the end of the big day, I want to know that I told Mike how I feel, my promises and declaration in my own words. That will make the our commitment to each other seem that more real. I will at that point feel like we were in the ceremony, shared what was in our hearts and have been incorporated into one another's life.
Don't get me wrong. If repeating the traditional vows or the ones your officiant supplies makes you "feel married", that's awesome. If you find inspiration on the web to kick your own vows up a notch, go for it. It's more important that you feel comfortable, are in your element and stating the words that you want to say. Whatever and however they may be.
For us, this meant writing our own vows.
Vows, What Are They Anyway?
I am showing my lack of wedding knowledge with this one. I honestly didn't know what wedding vows were. Was this the "for better or worse" or the history of us? Or is this the love letter I write to him but read in front of everyone while standing in a pretty dress? How is this different from the ring exchange or the declaration? As a bridal newbie, I was lost. Absolutely without a map and up a creek lost. I needed a scarecrow to point this Dorothy in the right direction.
Luckily that guide was found in a "Wedding Ceremony for Dummies"-esque posting on one of my wedding porn sites. According to the post, the declaration of intent is the "I Do" part of the ceremony where "the couple faces one another,
takes hands, and answers some very important questions about marriage."
The vows can either be read by the couple to each other or done as a "repeat after me" with the presiding officiant. They are the promises each partner in a couple makes to the other. More traditional vows are the "for better, for worse, for richer or poorer" style. This is where you make the promises you VOW to keep, hold dear and cherish to your partner.
Ring vows, traditionally done in the "repeat after me style" is a demonstration of what the ring symbolizes to the marriage, couple, etc. Often times, it incorporates the lines "with this ring, I thee wed" or "Take this ring as a symbol of my love, etc."
However, as the blogger suggested, often times the vows and declaration get mingled together. You can drop the ring vows and just exchange the bling after the personal vows. Want to skip the declaration? That's awesome. Your day. Your way. It's the Burger King way of weddings. There is no right or wrong. There's only "your way".
Writing the Vows
There are tons of sites dedicated to sharing vows or with tips for how to get started on writing your promises to your loved one. These tips range from how you met your partner to what marriage means to you. They make suggestions on setting a length limit to making sure your sentimental words don't clash with his humorous anecdote.
These sites can offer more assistance and Googling "vows" will give you enough fudder for inspiration and direction.
But I have often noticed that the hardest part is just starting. So my suggestion is really just basic. Pick up a pen or open a word document on your computer and start. Start small. Write a few sentences about your partner. Then a bit more. Eventually, you will have a good idea of what it is you want to say or promise to your partner. And it doesn't have to be long.
My caterer related a story in which the bride and groom wrote their own vows. The bride read hers, which was long, sentimental and spoken from the heart. When it came down to the groom, his nerves won out and all he said was "I love you. I want to marry you."
In the end, that's what it really is all about anyway right? Find your way to say "I love you. I want to marry you" and that's the key to writing vows.
Resources:
A Practical Wedding: Open Thread: Wedding Vows
Offbeat Bride: Wedding Ceremony 101
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