Double-Digits to the Big Day: When I Realized I Was Getting Married

One of the cons to having a countdown clock to the big day on your wedding website is that you know how far away it is until you say "I Do." 

For months, the number was in the hundreds. It felt like we were crawling towards our wedding.  The day seemed like some far off date and it was never going to get here. 

And, then it displayed "99" and the reality of our approaching wedding hit me.  We were in the double-digits and "this close" to being married. I'm getting married!

I felt a surge of what I initially thought was panic. My extremely long list of still "to-dos" popped into my head along with the items that we still have yet to work out.  But this was just a flash in a pan. A small twinge of feeling overwhelmed before the excitement quickly snipped it in the bud.

I wasn't concerned about the wedding or what needed to be done.  For me, it was a countdown to starting a married life with my partner.  In less than 100 days, I was going to make vows for the rest of my life with someone I considered my partner.  I was going to be a wife.

For me,I think the end goal of a married life was hidden from view behind designs of invites and centerpiece decisions.  Maybe it's what can be labeled as "wedding zen" or learning the true meaning of marriage.   But I feel that I am counting down towards more than a party but a new beginning.

I'm getting married.

To Give or Not to Give -- The Hot Debate Over Wedding Favors

During a meeting in Boise, our caterer (who has a bit of wedding coordination experience) asked the groom and I if we had thought about favors.

After a bit of stammering on my part, I finally confessed that favors were probably not going to make an appearance at our shindig for it is my believe that the whole favor thing is nothing but . . . a racket. 

That's right. I said the "r" word.  I have said this word often during my wedding planning for I feel that adding the "w" word to the event actually is nothing more than asking the vendor, company, shop or crafter to "please add money to my bottom line."

Favors is a hotly contested wedding topic.  Many people, websites, blogs and wedding personnel feel that favors are a reception "must have" for it is seen as a "thank you for coming" gesture.  To the point, that I have even heard it mentioned that the happily married couple will appear "cheap" if they fail to offer these take home goodies.

The members of the other side of the favor coin believe this is an extravagance that our overly cluttered culture could use a break from. To the extreme, some brides feel that there is no need for an added "thank you" after they have shelled out top dollar for food, drink and dancing.

Personally, I would be for favors if there was an absolutely brilliant idea on how to appeal to every age range or stage of life.  Other than the parents of the bride and groom, most people don't have a need for monogrammed dove salt and pepper shakers or the flip-flop bottle opener.  While they are happy to take part in your special day, they don't need a photo frame with the date and your name engraved on it to add to their mantel.  What about the teenagers or children attending your wedding? Do they really need the personalized pancake flipper?

The argument for this is to offer what I lovingly call the Sugar Bomb. This is the parting gift of a sweet treat for the road home, ranging from pretty packets of Jordan Almonds to the do-it-yourself candy bar (Personal Soap Box: step away from this trend and run the other direction as fast as you can in your cute kitten heels!). This extra dose of sweetness will last all of two minutes and does little more than add to the daily calorie count. Plus, what do you offer for those who are diabetic? Or those who are allergic to nuts? Personally, its too much for me to think about.

According to my caterer, "if you are planning to do favors, decided how many you need and do a 1/4 of that. If they want them, they are there. If not or they run out, at least they won't be left on the tables for cleanup crews."  

That's where the heart of my dislike for favors truly lies -- the absolute waste of product, money and time.  Those beautiful organza bags you spent big money on to add personal labels, if you are lucky, will be coming home with you.  The carefully crafted cupcakes in a jar will be left on the table and the customized "seeds of love" will lay untouched. 

However, there is hope.

According to "Bargainsita Bride - Your Dream Wedding For Less" by Aimee Manis, weddings are becoming more of a reflection of the couple, their personalities and their values.  This is being demonstrated in the ceremony decorations, reception center pieces and the personal touch that comes from the general tone of the event.

As the wedding trend shifts from the bold excess and extravagant affairs to the simple, authentic wedding, there are new avenues of offering "favors" to your guests.  The potted plants you are using for a centerpiece can go home with guests to plant in their gardens.  Making your own runners? Perhaps your aunts or cousins who host waffle parties or Thanksgiving would love to add them to their decoration bins.  Or, better yet, if you have a quilter in the family, donate the runners to their fabric stashes. 

This is a green way of "reusing" the decor from your big day that will contribute to the lives of your guests.  It will be that much more special, will help eliminate the favor waste and it won't take any more extra time to make since it is already on your to-do list.

But, if you are like me, it may be useful to see the words in large, bold print. FAVORS ARE NOT A MUST-HAVE AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE FAVORS. You're guests won't miss it and everyone will enjoy the wedding -- for it is your day, a reflection of you and, in the end, that's what matters.

I'm not giving favors and I am pleased as spiked punch about it.





 

Wedding Photogs: Do You Need One & How to Pick One

Everyone has someone in their family who perpetually has a camera attached to one hand.  It doesn't matter the size or type of event, Uncle Lee or cousin Aaron is rapidly snapping images to capture the event, even if it is just the usual standard brunch.

Between the family amateurs and my former news co-workers, Mike and I have several guests who would jump at the chance to capture our wedding moments for prosperity.  In fact, I have a feeling they will take on the position and become our personal paparazzi without having to ask them.

Which brings up the question -- why would we even consider hiring a photog with such a talent pool?  Glad you asked.  There were two main reasons why we decided to go with a photog and skip the family paparazzi.

Living the Moment vs. Capturing the Moment
There are many blog postings, forums and website articles dedicated to discussing the shift in our culture that modern technology has produced.  In short, using phone or technology to capture the moment can actually pull you from the experience.  A person only has so much attention and if you want the perfect picture or an amazing shot, you are pulling your attention that direction.  Which leaves little attention for your family members to appreciate what's happening in front of the lens.  They came to see you get married and that's what they should see.   They were there in person, but they aren't experiencing in person.

Emotional Filters
I think the best example of this exists in the movie "Love Actually." There is a scene in which the character Juliet, played by Keira Knightley goes to the home of the best man, Mark (Andrew Lincoln) to ask to see his video because she wants "just one shot of me in a wedding dress that isn't bright turquoise."  When she pops in the video, it takes just a few moments to realize that ALL of the video is of HER. As it turns out, Mark was in love with Juliet and that was transferred to the filter of his camera.

A less exaggerated example would be one of my friends who, when on vacation, takes a lot of pictures of flowers and his food.  He loves his macro capabilities on his camera and that is what he loves to document.  It's not the architecture or landscape for he doesn't see things through a wide lens but rather up-close and in detail. 

Family and friends have the same emotional filters. While they are there for your big day, they may view the event through different eyes and will have a slightly different focus when it comes to capturing the big day.  It can be as small as following either just the bride or groom around to taking close-ups of the wildflower centerpieces. 

Choosing a Photog
A photographer is there to work their craft and creatively capture your wedding day.  They don't have an emotional filter or tie to the people in the pictures.  They aren't there to experience your big day.  They are there to capture it.  Their position outside of the event and family circle gives them a wider lens to preserve the memories of those inside the moment.  

That being said, there are a few key things to keep in mind when picking the photog:

Style
There are essentially three styles of wedding photography:

1) Formal or Traditional
These are color, posed photos of you and your partner, the family along with the typical shots of the cake cutting, bouquet and garter toss.

2) Photojournalistic
Your wedding is shot like a news event, capturing candid moments as they happen on a digital chip.

3) Artistic
The photog uses special effects to create a more dramatic photo. Often times, this may be in the editing process such as borders, tinting, over-exposure, etc.

Work
Do your homework when searching for a photog.  Seek out recommendations from friends, family or even online. Many wedding websites have vendor reviews for those in your area.  Visit the photogs website and look through their online gallery.  However, note that these are often the polished or more artistic captures.  

Personalities
This person will be following you around the ENTIRE day, capturing you in candid moments. It is vital to make sure you feel comfortable with the photog or else you will just feel stilted all day -- and that does transfer to the image. 

Budget
I have heard it is important to go with a rockstar photog, even if this means adjusting your budget a bit.  A rockstar photog can make any wedding look like the event of the century and any bride look glamorous.  However, many "packages" include albums, certain amount of hours, etc.  Go for the glam, but make sure you are getting what YOU NEED and not some predetermined package that is over-the-top in delivery and price.  

In short, find out what matters to you -- be it budget or style -- and find the photog that fits your ideal. 

The photog Mike and I choose provided clients with ALL of the high-res digital photos. This was important to us for we want to create our own scrapbook about the ENTIRE wedding event. We want to include the DIY crafting, our history, the story of our rings, etc . . . not just our big day.  That was important to us and we found a photog who we meshed with, would capture the moments and give them to us in their entirety. 

Happy hunting!

New Year -- Time to Plan a Wedding

As we rang in the new year, Mike and I became one of the many lucky couples who will be married this year. He gleefully shared this realization on his Facebook wall shortly after the new year dawned.

But reality kicked in the next morning. The magical date that seemed so far away when we picked it in August all of a sudden seemed awfully close.  109 days to be exact.  That's about three and a half months to scratch items off the extensive to-do list that we have spent the past four months generating.   

In short -- panic ensued.

According to an insert by Kayce Hazelgrove in "A Practical Wedding" book by Meg Keene, Mike and I have entered the third phase of wedding planning -- the "How the Hell?" phase in which we wonder exactly how it is going to be possible to get the wedding together in such a short amount of time.

To put it in perspective, it took us about three weeks to design, create and mail our holiday cards and they are only a fraction of the time commitment that our DIY wedding invites will have, not to mention the other "to make" items.  This thought only added fuel to the fire.

Much like resolutions, Mike and I chose to approach the wedding planning as a goal.   We know what needs to happen by our big day, it was just a matter of breaking it down into manageable chunks.   It is our hope that the manageable chunks will make the list a bit less daunting and not quite so overwhelming.

Since loved ones were contacting us regarding specifics about the wedding day, we knew that invites were a priority.  The two of us laid out a schedule to get the labor intensive craft project done by the end of the month.

In the mean time, I decided to use spare down time to work on projects that could be done a bit further out than the last moment, like the brooch bouquet and designing the program.

Each day, I jotted a "wedding item" into my to-do list, like wiring the brooches or finding three songs for our iPod list.  At the end of the day, I was able to scratch an item off my daily to-do list and we were one step closer to knocking out our wedding list.

It was having a course of action that helped keep us on track on focused on the goal.  It also helped that the two of us are working on the projects together. It felt more like couple bonding and less like an overwhelming task list.

So, here's to 2013 . . . and our upcoming wedding . . . one step at a time.

Back to the Basics in 2013 - at Least for Us

With the recent release of the 2013 Pantone color, I started thinking about a blog posting I read a few months ago. 

I was just testing the waters of the whole wedding planning process and was pretty much reading everything I could call up in Google search.   It was during one of these random searches that I found a blog that touched upon a few trends the blogger or possibly even the wedding industry expected to see thrive in 2013.

One of the trends was shifting the focus back onto the guests, where (according to the blogger) that is exactly where it should be.  When I read it, I kind of blew off this tidbit of information -- and that is why I am unable to provide the link to the content.

Fast-forward a few months and several blogs and books read later, I totally disagree with that blogger and I feel that couples want something that is true to them, reflects their personality and is a bit more low-key.

When planning a wedding, I think it is important to take into consideration other people's feelings or sacrifices (such as travel or having to hike three miles to the ceremony site). It's important to honor guests, family traditions and the values of the immediate family while orchestrating the wedding you want.  

Call me selfish or "one of those brides", but I don't think etiquette extends to shifting the focus of a person's wedding day to the people attending. This is a shared moment between a loving couple who wants to share it with their closest friends and families. Its about two people starting the best chapter of their lives. 

I think there are many people in 2013 are looking for a way to minimize the stylized weddings and shift the focus back to the three keys: the partner, the outfit and the preacher.  I think the couples of 2013, or at least one, are looking for simplistic ideas that focus on them and not the details.  I think people want something a bit less coordinated and a little bit more laid back. 
Perhaps it is where I am in life.  I have seen four of my friends marry in the past year, and we are all in our 30s and looking for a simplistic way to say "I Do."  They have their own lives, many residing in different states from their families (I'm not even in the same country), which kind of diminishes the need to have an epic bash where we feel the need to invite co-workers or neighbors of our parents.  

And, to be quite frank, it has been a while since I have done the all night dancing blow outs. We have a different lifestyle and would prefer just hanging out around the fireside.

Contrary to what the wedding industry has told you, your wedding will not be your guests' first rodeo.  They know how to roll with the punches and expect nothing more than to spend the day with you.  

Perhaps I'm just dreaming about people's reactions to my wedding -- but I don't think we have to over-spend to make our wedding look good -- our emotions and the connections we have with our guests will make that happen.

The Awkward In-Between Phase of Wedding Planning

I have ran into a creative wall with wedding planning. At first, I thought it was the holiday crush putting a stall on any nuptial progression.  Then, I just thought that maybe I missed the whole "bridey" stress thing and was coasting towards altar bliss without the stress.  This, however, was not true.

My wedding stage status became blatantly obvious to me after a trip to my neighborhood arts and crafts superstore.  In reality, I had no reason to be there. I had piles of multiple colors and textures of card stock that are waiting to be transformed into beautiful DIY rosettes or cut into intricate shapes for the banners.  I had football field lengths of fabric that need to be cut and stitched into wonderful homemade runners for the round tables at the reception.

In short, I was past the the "oh and awe" point of discovering what our wedding could be, deciding what we wanted  and was ready to put it into action; but the date was a bit too far out to start.  I was browsing the craft store because that was all I could do at this point.

There's a lovely insert in the "A Practical Wedding" book by Meg Keene written by Kayce Hazelgrove regarding the states of wedding planning.

These states include:

1) Euphoria: Squeeee!
2) Discovery: "Oh, Pretty!"
3) Panic: "How the hell?"
4) Depression: "What the eff? Eff me!"
5) Rebellion: "Eff it!"
6) Zen: "It is what it is."

I think that there is a phase missing.  I'm going to call it the "2.6: Awkward In-Between Let's Get It Started in Here Already" stage - for that's exactly what it is. 

Between "Discovery" and "Panic" is a period of time when your hands are both tied and idol.You are probably reading wedding blogs, surfing the net for ideas and writing down ideas that broadside you while standing in line for the bus.  You are scribbling to-do notes and adding to your list of DIY projects.  However, it is a time period when you are too far ahead of your wedding to actually make any headway on those lists.  This stage is too far out to finalize and print the invites, design the program or even working on outfits (especially during the holidays/winter hibernation weight gain).

You're excited. You want to do something. But, at this point, there is nothing to do. So, you slip into the usual routine of work, shopping, date nights, book club meetings and, possibly, the gym.  Oh, you still check in on your favorite blogs, but it dips down to about once a week.  There may even be a couple weeks that you forget to even visit the wedding sites.

It is this relax in the creative sparks and the motivation that may contribute directly to Stage 3.  It is the "in-between stage" that allows us to relax our guard  and allow some of the deadlines or agendas to slip by with only the passing thought of "we still have time."

Then it happens. One morning you wake up around 2:23 a.m. with your heart racing, a weird spasm in the middle of your back and the odd feeling to just need to have throw a good old fashioned tantrum. All those to-do items that were simmering on the back burner during the 2.6 phase come to a boil in a frightening sense of urgency; each one carrying an immediate due date.

The thought of invites flutters across your mind but the custom envelopes with the cute butterflies haven't been ordered. The custom dress a seamstress on Etsy is making you hasn't even been started because you didn't want to send her the measurements that included the seven extra pounds from spending the holidays with two families this year. 

In short, you are knee-deep in Stage 3 or in full-balls-out Panic mode.

For me, the Awkward In-Between stage hit right around the holidays when my extra time was filled with holiday shopping, planning trips back to the States and block-printing custom Christmas cards.  Oh, I was making progress on the holiday events but that whole wedding thing was swept under the Christmas tree skirt.

Luckily, my trip to the craft store brought the whole wedding planning process to the foreground before Stage 3 kicked in with a vengeance.  I realized that while it was too early for most of my to-do items, like the invites for I still needed to have a meeting with the caterer, I could make small progress on some of the less time sensitive to-do items on my DIY list.

After I got the holiday cards made, filled out and in the out-going box, I made a "wedding planning planner".  This was nothing more than a resolution or commitment to do at least one thing a week. Whether it was stitching a few of the runners or researching how to make fabric flowers for the bouquet.

It is a matter of setting small priorities before everything became a priority.When you find yourself in the 2.6 stage, take a look at your to-do list.  Figure out your priorities (what you want for the wedding) and what of those can be done ahead of time.  Consider the items that aren't on your "have to have" list and maybe use this time to knock some of them out -- this will avoid the "Eff It" stage when these items get cut due to time or costs.

Also, the 2.6 stage is an excellent time to exercise a bit of creative brainstorming.  So, you want a burlap banner but what if you could make one using some of your favorite old t-shirts? Or black and white pictures of you and your beau?  Use this time to think out of the box and develop a game plan for your new ideas. 

In short, don't let this lull before the storm contribute to the wedding frenzy but as a time to prepare for it.

The Slope Into Marriage

Getting hitched, tying the knot or taking the plunge is no longer the biggest step towards a united life with your significant other.  It is no longer a cannonball dive into the deep end of marriage that it once was; but rather a gentle slope in the winding road of relationships. 

I was watching an episode from the second season of “Bridezilla” (don’t judge) that highlighted my views on this incline.  One of the brides, Noelle, was saying that the groom-to-be and her had picked the date and location before the question was formally posed.  It was more of a discussion of their future together rather than a complete change of their circumstances. 

My fiancé and I had a similar and yet different situation.  The two of us were friends that discovered we had more than just “let’s grab a beer” thoughts about one another.   One night, the guy I classified as a friend who I really liked broke the news to me that he was thinking about leaving Portland, Oregon to pursue a career in Vancouver, Canada.  While not a world away, I could only think about how empty my world would be without him.  

When he asked me what I thought, I was torn between being the supportive friend and letting someone who was more important to me than I care to admit to even myself know that it was killing me to see him go.  No one was more surprised than I was when the latter came out of my mouth.  It was then that he told me that I was under the wrong impression – he wanted me to go with him.

My choice to pack up my belongings, move in with him and relocate to a foreign country was probably the biggest defining moment in our relationship.  From there, we have been on a steady course to the altar and a life together with milestones to indicate how far we’ve traveled and the direction we are heading.  

While I know that there are couples who don’t move in with the significant other until after the big day or perhaps have a slightly smoother ride, I think the relationship map is changing.  It is something that shifts for the parties involved. It is a “Choose Your Own Adventure” to the altar that can be more traditional, but more often than not opens the door to a unique course for those involved.

Over a year later,  the two of us are preparing for the next milestone which includes a trip to the altar but it doesn’t feel scary or even like we are taking the plunge into something unknown. For me, it feels like another highpoint on a very scenic road trip with a very close friend.